Finding My Worth In The Midst Of Chronic Illness

A guest post by Nicole Kauffman

She Chose HOpe – Introductions

This week’s story for our She Chose Hope series comes from a blogger, mother, and chronic illness warrior named Nicole. I felt so encouraged as I read through her story because I feel like it resonated and related so much with a central issue that we all face; where do I find my worth?

Especially when chronic illness, sickness, or disability come on the scene, we can find ourselves wrestling with this question as we find our physical abilities limited. But Nicole walks us through what it looks like to find our worth, even whenever we are chronically ill.

If you are a reader who does not have a chronic illness, sickness, or disability, I encourage you to keep reading anyway because what Nicole so artful writes is a truth that applies to all of us.

If you want to see the other posts in this monthly series, you can find them here.

Finding my worth in the midst of chronic Illness – By: Nicole Kauffman

Who will love me if I’m not “normal”? I’ve spent most of my life looking for answers to the unexplained and seemingly random symptoms that weighed me down. 

I was finally diagnosed with several chronic illnesses and although this seemed to be a victory, it left me feeling unworthy of love. 

Who will love me if I can’t do enough or be enough?

I have this vision in my mind of what defines “enough” and I fall terribly short every day. In fact, I spent the first few years of marriage desperately trying and failing to keep up with this version of “enough” and it only left me feeling insecure and unloved despite a husband who loved me wholeheartedly. 

The Enemy took my deepest insecurities and twisted them into truths in the face of chronic illness. And for years, I let him.

But then God began to work within me. In fact, He’d been there working all along. 

I began to see these lies for what they were. And more importantly, I began to learn the truth about who I am and where my value rests.

My value is not in what I do or how well I do it. My value is in Christ living in me. I am enough because Christ lives in me and has made me worthy. I am so loved by God that He died for me.

When I began to make these my truths, I began to see a shift in my sense of worth. 

My Worth is Not in What I Do

Living with a chronic illness leaves you failing to do all the things you set out to do in a day. The first few years I was married, this was more evident than ever. Before that, I’d work a full day and come home and collapse – practically useless the rest of the evening. 

When you’re married, you get home from work and there are things to do. Dinner to be made. Dishes to clean. Laundry to run. A husband to spend time with. 

But my body was spent after a long day of work. I was useless. I was in pain and feeling sick and it was more apparent than ever. 

This began to tear at my worth piece by piece, day by day.

What kind of wife was I if I couldn’t even get dinner on the table? What kind of wife was I if I couldn’t even give my husband any sort of attention in the evening?

I grew up believing my worth was in what I do and how well I did it. And so night after night – I slept with the lies that I was failing and therefore not enough.

After some time, two things changed. 

The first was that I began to see that I was finding my worth in the wrong places and God was calling me to face these lies and live in truth.

The second was that I needed a new job. I will be forever grateful that my husband’s job allowed me to move to a part-time position, and then finally to working from home, because this had a tremendous impact on my health and quality of life.

But in that process, I had to battle with the leftover lies that my worth is in what I do and how well I do it.

Discovering the Truth

First, I had to cultivate a sense of what the truth really is.

My version of truth had been skewed for my entire life. I fully believed that my worth rested in what I did. But this wasn’t from Christ. 

A way of thinking that had been cultivated for twenty-some years needed a lot of prayer and a lot of God to change. 

I began praying that God would show me His truth and help me to take that to heart. 

And His truth was found in Scripture. And in persistent prayer. I had to pray that God would show me where I was believing lies and that He would work in me to replace these with truth.

True Worth in Christ

Then I needed to discover God’s love for me and learn to find my worth in Him.

It is impossible to be confident of your true worth in Christ until you know of God’s all-consuming love for you. And this love is so far above what we can ever fully comprehend!

It was hard, and sometimes still is hard, for me to fully understand this. But I needed to truly grasp and truly claim this love within my heart before I could move forward. It is a constant thing that I must seek to claim in order to remain living in my true worth.

Once I could live in God’s love for me, then I could begin to discover my worth in Him. I found truths like:

I am a child of God.

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

John 1:12, NiV

I am chosen. I am holy and blameless.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

Ephesians 1:4, NIV

I am God’s masterpiece. He created me for a purpose.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10, NIV

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14, NIV

Related: Fully Loved and Fully Known Even When You’re Sick and Single

Living This All Out

And finally I needed to learn to apply this to my life and especially my marriage and relationships.

I began reading Scripture, searching out reading plans and devotionals that tell me of my worth in Christ. Additionally, I began memorizing Scriptures and meditating on verses that pointed me to this so that I could make this my reality.

I needed these verses and truths deep within my heart so that when I was faced with a lie about my worth, I could fight it with truth.

Memorizing Scripture has been one of the most powerful ways for me to shift this mindset. Not only does it help you to combat the lies, but it actually “rewires” your brain everytime you decide to combat an unhealthy thought with truth.

Over time, your brain learns to naturally go to the truths rather than the lies.

I had to do this not only in my own life but in my relationships, especially my marriage. 

It took time and it is something I must continue to stay vigilant with because Satan knows that it is something I fall to. He knows my propensity towards finding my worth apart from Christ.

But when I recognize that I am doing this (and I’ve enlisted some accountability) I can immediately combat the lies.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7, NIV

Your worth is found in a God who loves you more than you could ever imagine. Not in what you do or how well you do it, but in Christ’s redeeming power within you.

If you struggle to find your worth in Christ, especially as it relates to chronic illness, I would encourage you to seek out the truth and ask God to work within your heart to bring healing and restoration.

There is hope even in the midst of chronic illness.

And you are loved, fully and completely, right now and exactly how you are. Cling to Christ and His truth and you can begin to walk forward in this confidence.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Thanks for joining me for Nicole’s story! If it was an encouragement to you, please share it with a friend.