My husband left for a deployment in August 2015. A week after he left I found out I was pregnant. I was excited, scared, nervous, and all the other feelings that come with being pregnant for the first time!
By the time we went to the doctor a month later I already had the next 18 years planned.
Birthday parties, family vacation, Christmas traditions; the whole shabang! When the doctor gave us the good news that everything was right on track, I continued my excessive planning of parties, holidays, and mommy and me outfits! I knew that I was going to love being a mom.
A few days later I woke up bleeding.
My heart sank as I curled up on the bathroom floor. My husband took me to the emergency room where they told us that we had lost the baby. I felt like we didn’t only lose a child I felt like I had lost dreams and a promise of the future. In the midst of the pain my husband and I decided that we would start trying again.
A few months later I found out that I was pregnant again.
Which was followed by another miscarriage. We ended up having 3 miscarriages within that year. I remember sitting on the couch confused and in a daze. I thought maybe having children was not part of our story. Or maybe we were just called to adopt.
In that moment, I heard God telling me “don’t stop at three.” My mind was still foggy and confused from lack of sleep and I did not know what that that meant. All day it was stuck in my head like an annoying song you hear on the radio. Don’t stop at three. Don’t stop at three. Don’t stop at three. Since I wasn’t getting much sleep anyway I decided to see if there was anything in the Bible that had to deal with “not stopping” or the number three.
I came across the story in 2 Kings about Elisha and the King.
Elisha was about to die when the king came to visit. Elisha gave the king some arrows and told him to strike the ground. The king took the arrows and struck the ground three times and then stopped. Elisha became angry. He told the King “why did you stop at three? God wanted to bless you six or seven times but because you only stuck the ground three times you will only be blessed three times.”
Again, I heard the words that I couldn’t get out of my head “Don’t stop at three.”
Later that week we went to our small group (who had become like family over the last year). I shared about the brokenness, hurt, and disappointment and anger I was feeling. After I shared they all prayed for us. When we were done praying my friend next to me looked at us and smiled. She told us that God had given her a vision while we were praying of my husband holding a little girl and God saying “soon.”
If I were honest I was a little weirded out because I did not grow up in a church were dreams and visions were a regular occurrence. I also knew that I did not want to be the one who was going to limit God. Later that night my husband and I said that if the vision was true we would name her Evalynn Elizabeth which means a child promised by God.
Around this same time my sister and my sister in law were also having trouble getting pregnant.
My mom told me that she was praying for us to be able to get pregnant when she heard God telling her to pray for all three of us to get pregnant not just one of us. Exactly three months later my sister, sister in law and I were all pregnant at the same time.
Now it’s almost been a year since Evalynn was born and we had more exciting news from the doctor. Evalynn was going to be a big sister this coming spring. Although this one was not planned either we were even more excited. Our excitement turned into tears last week when we found out that we again had lost another baby. Although I had seen God work a miracle in the past the same fears, doubts, and anger came flooding back. One of the hardest parts is living with the unknowns.
Not knowing why, I keep having miscarriages.
Not knowing if we will be able to have another baby.
Not knowing what God’s plan is.
There are two truths that I am holding on to during this time, two truths that I hope will encourage you if you have ever been or are currently in the situation I am.
Truth 1: Just because you don’t see Gods promise doesn’t mean it’s not happening
In 1 Kings 18:41-43 God had promised rain to Elijah. He had just finished slaughtering the prophets of Baal and now it was time for the rain. He sent his servant up to the top of the mountain to see if he could see the rain that God had promised. The servant ran up the mountain and came back down and told Elijah that there was no rain.
Again, Elijah sent the servant back up the mountain to look for rain and again the servant came back without seeing a drop. What did Elijah do next? He sent his servant back up the mountain. He did this 7 times until the servant saw rain. Elijah did not stop believing that the rain was going to come even when he did not see it. God promises to “cause everything to work for the good of those who love Him.” If your situation is not “good” that means God is not finished.
Truth 2: God is glorified in our tearsGod is glorified in our tears Click To Tweet
I will confess sometimes when people ask me how am I doing? I feel as a Christian I should respond, “I am full of joy because I know God has a plan.” In full honesty that was nowhere close to how I felt when we got the news of losing another child. I didn’t turn my back on God but at the same time I had a hard time thanking him for my food that night at dinner. I felt more like screaming than turning on a worship song.
During my anger and tears God reminded me of a verse in Psalm 50:15 “and call on me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you and you will give me glory.” When you are hurting God does not call you to put on a fake smile and pretend to worship to songs on K-Love radio.
By calling to him in the midst of our tears gives Him more glory than when we fake being joyful.
If I take something away from my daughter she cries, but she also lifts her hands up for me to pick her up and hold her. God may have allowed this situation to happen but he is also waiting for you to hold your arms to him so he can love and comfort you like a good father.